Have you decided not to circumcise your son and need some help trying to talk to your husband? We realize this can be a very touchy subject with fathers-to-be, and often takes a well-planned approach. Here we hope to provide you with some tools so you are better prepared for a discussion with your husband or boyfriend about not circumcising.

Videos to Have Your Husband Watch:

Penn & Teller: Circumcision is BULLSH*T
Thirty minute video. Adult language and brief nudity warning.
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=416_1218124584

Joe Rogan (from Fear Factor) Discusses Circumcision
Warning: Explicit Language & Adult Content
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Ib224baWjI&feature=youtu.be

"Snip Snip" Documentary
Filmmaker Nick Zayas dares to ask a question that has plagued man for centuries: What is the deal with circumcision? *Warning: Adult Content*
http://youtu.be/2KPmGS3sRok

Helpful Articles:

When Your Husband Wants to Circumcise by Lilli Cannon
One woman shares lessons learned in educating her husband (video included).
http://www.moralogous.com/2012/04/08/when-your-husband-wants-to-circumcise/

The Vulnerability of Men by Vincent Bach
Dissects the psychology of why men fight so hard to circumcise their sons.
http://www.udonet.com/circumcision/vincent/vulnerability_of_men.html

What to do When You and Your Partner Don't Agree
How one woman got through to her husband.
http://community.babycenter.com/post/a27672885/what_to_do_when_you_and_your_partner_dont_agree

Male Perspectives & Testimonies:

The Male Perspective
A collection of comments from men discussing their views about circumcision.
http://community.babycenter.com/post/a26844577/the_male_perspective

Uncommon Sense from a Common Dad
A circumcised American father talks about his feelings concerning circumcision, and having one circumcised son and two intact sons (video included).
http://www.thewholenetwork.org/14/post/2011/12/uncommon-sense-from-a-common-dad.html

Real-Life Testimonies
TWN members respond to how they talked to their husbands or dealt with pressure from their spouse about circumcising. 
From 2011: 
https://www.facebook.com/WholeNetwork/posts/185633734814581
From 2012: 
https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?id=121502171227738&story_fbid=409824769062142

A Letter To My Husband 
by Andrea Brenner
(Posted with author's permission)

After our daughter was born, I started actually looking at information on circumcising. Thank god she was a girl. My husband wouldn't listen to a thing I said. Within seconds of me bringing up the subject, he was getting upset and changing the subject. It really bothered me that we had such a great relationship, and could talk about anything else effortlessly, but not this one thing. So I wrote him a letter and emailed him a few links. This letter I wrote my husband changed our lives.. Possibly saved our marriage!

To My Love: 

You are my husband and my life. I'm at my happiest when I'm with you and I wouldn't want it any other way. 

I love that we get along so well, and we can agree on so many things. It is one of those things that glues our marriage together. What makes our relationship so amazing is how we thrive and love each other, and give it our all. There's very little we disagree on when you really think about it, and it generally doesn't bother me too much, because I'm all about the compromise. But there's one subject we disagree on that really bothers me. It's one thing that I actually think about more often than you would think, and it seems to be a subject that's brought up, but rarely talked about and resolved.

I've brought up the subject a number of times, but in one way or another, you seem to change or drop the subject. I know it may not be something you want to talk or think about, but if we don't deal with it now, it will only become a bigger, more serious potential argument down the road. And I really don't want any rifts in our amazing marriage.

If you've been trying to figure out for the last minute or two what I've been rambling about, this is the part where I break the ice: circumcision. I know this is something that we agreed on at one point. I used to think nothing of it. It was "normal." A routine thing. Uncircumcised, or intact penises, look "weird," and circumcised penises look normal. 

But the more things I've read: stories, research, various articles, personal experiences... my views have changed.  I would like to share some information with you if you're willing to read it. And I hope you are. I know this is one thing you feel strongly about, but i feel strongly about it as well. This is somebody's penis. I feel it should be that person's choice what happens to it. Babies feel that pain. It's so sad and hard to think about for me. I don't want to get too passionate about it with this letter, because that's not what this is about. This is about getting the ball rolling for a discussion, and hopefully we can come to an agreement.

There is absolutely no benefit to circumcision. It's listed as a cosmetic surgery and isn't covered by most insurances nowadays. The foreskin is a natural part of the body, and contains 80% of the nerve endings that create sexual pleasure. As much as I hate the idea of our children ever having sex, I don't want to be responsible for making it less enjoyable than it has to be.

As much as I would love to say, "This is how it's going to be, deal with it," I can't. We are married and we are partners, for better or worse. Which means we have to talk and express ourselves, and try to understand each other. I can't force you into anything, or force you to think in a way I want you to. (I've already tried with keeping the kitchen clean, haha wink wink).. The only think I can do is share the information with you that has swayed my opinion, and hope it moves you as well. But PLEASE consider it. Even if you're dead set, don't just read it and scoff the whole time. Put real, true consideration and thought into it. This is one thing that can't be undone. We can't change our mind, and it's a big deal. At least he has the option to do it later if he wants. It will be less of a risk at adulthood, and significantly less painful. If we get it done when he's a baby, he can't decide he wants it undone later on.

I want to make it perfectly clear: you have a perfectly amazing penis that I couldn't be more satisfied with. There is no way i think it's "abnormal" or "different". Growing up, I was taught that circumcised = normal. My views on this aren't meant to make you feel inadequate or that there's something wrong with you, because you are perfect. You are a top notch example that circumcising won't always ruin a person, or their genitals. Just keep in mind there are thousands of boys, and men, and boy angels out there who weren't so lucky. Who have suffered. And I can't bear to put a child through that.

I'm actually a little scared. I know I talk about wanting to have another baby all the time, and how much I've been craving pregnancy and a second child, but this is one thing that scares me. When the time comes, and we're blessed with a beautiful little boy, I don't want this argument to tear us apart because of how strongly we both feel. So please talk to me. For more than five minutes. And be willing to listen, and ask questions, and discuss this topic a little more.

i love you dearest. I'm so thankful for you and our beautiful daughter, and our future children.

Love,
Your Loving Wife

written by: Larissa Black

Ryan McAllister Ph.D. is the creator and director of NotJustSkin.org. He’s also a writer frequently featured on Examiner.com, and currently he’s the intactivist world’s newest YouTube sensation.

At first glance McAllister looks like your average approachable guy next door. In his video presentation Child Circumcision: an Elephant in the Hospital, he is dressed in casual attire. His relaxed posture and his gentle voice have a way of setting you at ease. He addresses his audience the same way he might address a friend at the dinner table, with compassion, humor, and blatant honesty. Only minutes into his lecture you inevitably find yourself hanging on his every word.

“I’m going to talk with you about circumcision,” he explains. “I’m calling it the Elephant in the Hospital because it’s this huge thing that happens, as far as I see, in our culture but we have very little discourse about it. It’s performed between five hundred thousand and a million times each year in the U.S. almost entirely on infants within the first three days of life. It’s completely unnecessary and I believe, based on my research, entirely harmful to children.”

Over a span of thirty-three minutes time, McAllister goes on to examine:

-The most common rationales used to defend infant circumcision

-The history of circumcision in the U.S.

-Comparison of female and male genital cutting practices and attitudes

-Surgical and post-operative complications of circumcision

-Functions on the foreskin

-Ethical issues involving informed consent from medical professionals

-Commercial use of infant foreskin

-Emotional impact

-The flawed science behind the commonly cited studies used to promote circumcision

-Roadblocks to ending this cultural practice

This powerful video, which was taped as part of a university course on human sexuality, has to date topped 2,600 hits on YouTube and over 550 likes on Vimeo. It’s been lighting up Facebook pages worldwide ever since its release in July 2011. Already this presentation has proven a valuable resource in the education of expectant parents who struggle with the circumcision decision.  “I have heard from parents that they've chosen not to circumcise children because of it,” says McAllister.

Expectant parents aside, who did Ryan McAllister intend to reach with his message? “Everyone really,” he responds. “I think it's an issue for us to address as an entire society. I would like parents, medical professionals, others who care about children, and academics from the many relevant disciplines (gender, bioethics, critical theory, anthropology, medicine, etc.) to be thinking critically about this practice we have in mainstream U.S. culture of cutting children.”

Why does McAllister feel so passionate about routine infant circumcision in particular? “I believe that adults who interact professionally with children have a critical professional responsibility to bring a very high ethical standard to that work. And even more so with medical professionals, who also have a bioethical imperative to found their work in the needs of the children they serve.”

He goes on to discuss why he finds the practice of routine infant circumcision so troubling. “When I have spoken with medical professionals who perform or have the power to stop this procedure, what I've often heard is a discourse that, instead of being founded in the child's needs, generally lacks any reference to the child's needs. Take, for example, the conversation I mention in my lecture with Dr. Landy, the Chair of Obstetrics and Gynecology at Georgetown University Hospital. When a physician of that esteem tells me that she knows that this elective surgical procedure on a minor doesn't make sense medically, I say that gives her an ethical mandate to stop performing the procedure. However, she said that her department will not "be a beacon of light", that they will not stand out by ceasing to perform circumcision. The reason she gave is essentially economic -- that they want to provide circumcision as a service to parents so that birthing mothers don't choose another hospital in which to give birth. And I am deeply troubled by this reason.”

In addition to all the overwhelmingly positive feedback McAllister has received on his presentation, it’s clear his message has also ruffled some feathers. An attorney representing Georgetown University Hospital issued a letter disputing McAllister’s use of statements made by the Georgetown University Hospital Chair of Obstetrics. McAllister responds: “I have asserted that I am accurately representing my notes from the meeting, and I asked the hospital administration for a meeting to discuss the ethics of their practice of circumcision.”

To date, they have not responded to his request, but according to McAllister that’s not necessarily a bad sign. “My hope is that they will resolve to end the practice because it contradicts the fundamental bioethical principles of non-malfeasance and beneficence -- principles I would hope they aspire to as an institution. As it stands, consciously or unconsciously they're putting the physicians who work at their hospitals under institutional pressure to perform unnecessary surgery on minors -- which, when you look at it, is hard to defend ethically.”

Infant circumcision is only one of many issues McAllister hopes to address. “There are many other elephants in obstetrics -- places where standard practice is directly in conflict with both peer-reviewed research and the well-being of birthing women and newborns,” he points out. “I hope to draw attention to those elephants as well, as the current state of affairs mis-serves women, newborns, their families, and physicians.”